Page last updated 1 September 2016
Links last updated 1 January 2018
Helpline numbers checked 1 September 2016

Out of the Ashes | 14106

What this is about

How you recognise that you or your friends are depressed, and how to deal with it.

Depression is a real, serious illness with very real effects which can be devastating and can lead to death. Research repeatedly finds that gay men are more prone to depression than straight men. Stonewall’s 2013 Survey of 6,851 people found that:

3% of gay men (compared with 0.4% of straight men) have attempted to take their own life in the last year;

gay and bisexual men are nearly twice as likely as heterosexual men to have severe levels of mixed depression and anxiety;

46% of gay and bisexual men said they’d felt their life was not worth living within the last year;

27% of gay men and 38% of bisexual men said they’d considered taking their own life in the last year, compared with just 4% of men in general;

Teenagers are the most vulnerable group, with a startling 10% of gay and bisexual men aged 16 to 19 having attempted to take their own life in the last year.

The report also found that existing services and resources were woefully inadequate.

Depression in our community has reached a crisis level. Gay community activists and leaders must take more positive steps to tackle it. On a personal level, we tend to be unsure about when we should intervene in the lives of our friends. Hopefully this page will make things clearer. Since this page was first published, more research into the problem has been completed and more resources are available to help.

Because many gay men have been so depressed for so long, they often lack the will power or desire to help themselves, even if they already know and recognise that they must do so.

What causes depression?

Things which cause depression can begin as early as childhood, and stay with you or change throughout your life, and there are many of them – for instance:

A feeling that you are not good enough or do not meet other people’s expectations of you

Bad diet

Natural things like the time of year, the weather, whether it is dark or sunny



A side effect of a medication you have been given

Abuse of you by adults

Something happens to you which you had not expected and were not prepared for


Social exclusion

Living in poor housing conditions

Living on your own


Limited or no access to supportive and understanding health care services


Being unable to tell anybody you are gay

Being bullied

Attempts to “cure” you of homosexuality (it is impossible to be “cured”, none of the treatments work)

Lack of educational or work opportunities

Lack of family or neighbour support

Lack of role models while growing up

Lack of information

Lack of a romantic partner (note: not losing a romantic partner)

Anti-gay violence and homophobia

Domestic violence or abuse

Poor self-image: not identifying as gay or feeling alienated from the wider gay population

hating or being appalled by yourself

feeling guilty that you are gay

feeling that you are unloved or unloveable, second rate, unworthy

Living with HIV or other debilitating condition

Not having control of things

Feeling out of control of your body

Old age.

How do you know it is depression?

Depression makes your life worse in many ways, like:

An inability to enjoy anything or concentrate properly, and perhaps make you unable to work

Feeling very tired and perhaps having aching limbs

Starting to feel hopeless, guilty

Loss of weight

Reduced sex drive

Reduced appetite

Increased anger or irritability

mood changes.

Are you on any medicines, including ones available over the counter? Many prescribed medicines can make you depressed. Read the leaflets supplied with any medicines you are taking to see if it is the medicine making things worse instead of better. Side effects are usually listed. Sometimes side effects are not listed so just because “depression” is not listed it does not mean that the medicine is not making you depressed.

The point is: you take medicines to get better. If the medicine is making things worse, why take it! The leaflet will usually tell you that if any side effects occur, you should stop taking the tablets and go back to your doctor for something else. There are usually alternative treatments available which may suit you better.

Keep the patient information leaflets in a file so you can refer to them again in the future, if necessary.

Is it depression, or is it grief?

Do not confuse depression with grief. If someone has died and that has made you feel sad or unwell you are grieving for them, which is not the same as depression, and is a natural condition, not an illness. Ask at your local library for details of bereavement counselling and support groups, or phone a Switchboard for someone to talk to about grief.

What to do if you are depressed

It is important for you to receive help and support if you are suffering from depression. Just making one phone call could save your life.

You can talk anonymously and confidentially to someone over the phone.

The main depression help lines in the UK are:

Samaritans, 116 123

Mind, 0300 123 3393

Rethink, 0300 5000 927

Or phone your local gay switchboard, if you have one, or the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on 0300 330 0630.

You can go and see a doctor. If you have not got a doctor, in the UK you can go into any doctor’s surgery and ask to register with them. You may have to fill in a form and there may be a medical examination before they accept you.

Don’t worry about anyone else finding out. Your doctor is required to keep your details confidential. He will be able to provide much more information regarding depression and the avenues of support you have open to you. The doctor’s surgery may also have other resources which can assist.

The main treatments for depression that your doctor may recommend are:

medication (taking tablets)

talking with someone (a counsellor, the doctor’s surgery may have one)

cognitive therapy, such as Mindfulness, and

you doing something to fight your depression. Your doctor may recommend any or all of those.

Your doctor’s surgery may have some booklets about depression. (You can also ask in any pharmacy if they have any booklets or anyone who can help). You can also enquire at your local library.

As well as doctors, who are usually busy and pressed for time, there may be nurses at the practice who can spend more time with you. Ask the receptionist what services are available.

You must be able to trust your doctor. If you can’t, then ask whether other doctors are available instead. They will not mind.

Check that any leaflets you are given contain impartial advice and are not financed by vested interests, e.g. drug companies.

There may be online resources such as bulletin boards or email groups that you can join.

“Mindfulness based cognitive therapy” is a set of skills that you can learn either by reading a book or going on a training course, that help you to regain control of your body and your depression. It is regarded as being very successful.

You may also benefit from learning relaxation techniques.

The things you can do to fight your depression and recover from it include

Fortunately there are lots of things you can do to reduce and hopefully beat your depression.

Drink less alcohol

Review your medicines with your doctor

Change your behaviour

Eat better. Alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, cheese and bread can make your depression worse

Your surgery nurse, or a pharmacist, may be able to give you ideas on what you can do and there are lots of books available about healthy eating

Get more fresh air and exercise and get as much sunshine as you can

Throw the gloves and scarf away on cold days because the more natural light your body can absorb, the better you will feel.

Other things you can do are:

Join in something and make new friends

volunteer for voluntary work

find out more about depression so you understand what has happened to you and why you feel like this (Information is power and it will help you get better). Ask at the doctors, a pharmacy, the library; Join a group of other people fighting depression

Draw up a list of the resources available to help you.

With the help of a friend, draw up coping strategies that can help you deal with life changing events like the death of someone close to you, or losing your job or your home, write them down and keep them somewhere safe where you can find them (the list you have just read is a coping strategy).

Don’t get upset if you can’t sleep – get up and do something (quietly, don’t wake others up) then go back to bed an hour or so later

Improve your relationships with the people you already know

Map out your future goals as a gay man

Draw up an action plan of things you enjoy or can look forward to and try to have something to look forward to every month of the year (a year planner is ideal for this)

Look after yourself and give yourself treats

Find someone who understands to mentor or support you

Make an inventory of all the things you like, or enjoy, or are proud of, or remember with pleasure. These are the things you value and show you how good your life actually is.

What to do to help a friend who is depressed

Talk about it and give your friend the information, love, respect and support he needs. Know the phone numbers.

Ask your friend who his doctor is and make sure he has one.

If your friend talks about suicide or self harming a lot, this is a warning sign that things are really bad. It is time to intervene gently. Suggest to your friend that you should accompany him to the doctors and should go in and see the doctor with him; this will help him realise that this is important and you are a good friend; two heads are better than one, and between the two of you, you will remember better what the doctor said; and you will be able to ask the doctor how else you can help your friend.

If you think your friend is in immediate danger, you really must intervene now. First ask yourself if you yourself are in any danger. If you might be, leave and as soon as you are safe, phone the police. If you are safe, call the emergency services (such as a paramedic) who can intervene professionally, stay with him and keep him away from anything he might kill himself with, such as kitchen utensils and medication.

You now need to be supported yourself. Make sure you tell someone you are helping a friend through a crisis and that you have your own support network.

What we all can do to help gay men fight depression

Campaign for gay rights, accept and befriend gay people, fight homophobia and prejudice.

Do all we can to make all members of our community happier in themselves and their lives.

This page will be updated as more information becomes available.

Gay Activist welcomes your comments about this page. If you have any tips for beating depression, have your own experiences or have any other advice for people who are depressed, please leave a comment.

Home Pages

Mindfulness based cognitive therapy
London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
Heads Together


Caffmos Community, Undated: Gay Men’s Health – Depression and Anxiety
National Alliance on Mental Illness Fact Sheet, Undated: – Depression and the GLBT Community
Guardian, 22 Aug 2010: Breaking the taboo over the mental health crisis among Britain’s gay men
Guardian, 20 Feb 2011: Pride and prejudice for gay men
Mancunian Matters, 26 Oct 2013: Counselling for gay men… not just about HIV! Manchester mental health charities slam services overlooking suicide
NHS Choices: Mental health issues if you’re gay, lesbian or bisexual



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